I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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