you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
