Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
porn star boner night. come get it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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