She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
