I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
