just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
