WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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