I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
