When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
