Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
But break dance skills will only take you so far
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
