just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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