Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
be right there i have to get my cape
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
