She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
