I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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