when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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