I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Randomize