I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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