They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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