well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
