Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
