I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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