we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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