that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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