I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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