I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
