i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
