Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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