So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
