Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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