Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
