Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
