Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
