chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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