no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
