i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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