i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
