The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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