My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
