she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
