Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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