we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
