Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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