i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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