'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize