About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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