Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize