The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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