I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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