Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
