here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
