U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
