Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
