I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Couch. On fire.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
