HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
