I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
