saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
