at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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