I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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