dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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