He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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