I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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