Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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