i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
