some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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