if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
