so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
