I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I will pee on everything he values.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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