i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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