just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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