dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
