I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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