it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
