Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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