my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You are a genius and a whore.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
