I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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