im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
