so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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