dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize