idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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